It would be very difficult for us to say that we have observed couples experience a full wedding day without any stressful factors, but what we are sure of is that it is really important for us to be mindful of our energy on your special day in an effort to calm others who might be stressed...in particular, the couple that’s getting married!!
As wedding photographers, AND as an engaged couple, we want all engaged couples to know that we empathize with the stress that wedding planning brings to you as individuals and as partners starting a new (yet somehow stressful) chapter! We really don’t want you to minimize the stress you are experiencing, but we suggest you take some time to think about how you want to spend your engagement. We’re hoping that this personal anecdote will benefit others on their engagement journey:
Maybe you or your partner imagined wedding planning to be a very special part of your relationship, filled with fun flower arrangements and cheery dress or tux fittings. Maybe you once envisioned a post-it filled binder and smiles all around you. Or maybe...the real wedding planning experience is just really not what you pictured it to be. That’s where I’m at. Here’s our dynamic: I think about our wedding constantly. Alex, although his wedding ideas are bright and meaningful, thinks about the wedding maybe…every few days. I admire his laid-back approach, and magical ability to have everything work out in his favor (One time we were driving through an unfamiliar town, and he happened to accidentally drive by a caterer he’d been looking into. We walk in, meet the caterer, fall in love, and BOOM...we have a caterer. Seriously, I think he is a wizard or something.)
My special wedding notebook provided by my sweet Matron of Honor.
Then, there’s me: "Yes, commercial! I can get back to organizing my Pinterest board, like the actual pins I really need. Yay! Dinner time! I finally get to share all of my glorious wedding visions with my fiance at the dinner table! Omg! It’s Saturday at 7:30am, and the first thing I want to do is just look at that wedding guest list one more time because my nightmare just confirmed my worry about Anonymous Guest #76!"
Honestly...if I were a fictional bride character, I’d want to shake myself. Something had to be done-- a jolt to the bride system, if you will. Bride-brain aside, there’s certainly a lot to think about. Even if you are a detail-oriented person, there are too many moving pieces to juggle at one time.
This is where partnership and compromise come to the forefront. I became aware that my wedding-talk was a bit overwhelming for Alex very early on in our engagement. Let’s be honest...before our engagement! Oopsiez! Despite his body language and uneasy facial expressions, I pressed to get my wedding ideas in at any time of the day...or night. He is a good listener, but I think there comes a point when I’m the only one hearing my bride-babble. Sometimes I just like to get the ideas out of my head!
So, herein lies the problem:
-I have a ton of ideas constantly spinning in my head. I need a place to put them, and I’m super excited to plan an awesome party with all of our favorite people to celebrate our life partnership. (Not a bad problem to have!)
-My fiance, who pulled off the most ridiculously magical proposal/ is the most hopeless romantic I’ve ever met, is also very excited about our wedding. However, he would like to talk and think about it when he has the brain space to do so. (Also, a very legitimate concern! I’d rather have him be focused when I’m sharing exciting idea-thoughts. Am I right, people?)
Spent some 'free time' painting these cool crates in our wedding color scheme. Do I know what I'll use them for yet?...Nope!
And, here’s a potential solution:
-Discuss boundaries/needs...AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. (Can we talk about it at dinner? When should we be reading emails from wedding vendors? What should we share with family and friends?)
-Ask your partner questions about how they envision the wedding planning process and compromise.
-Delegate specific tasks that each partner are actually excited about!! I was NOT excited about finding a DJ and a caterer...and perhaps, by fate or the wedding gods, Alex was interested in both. Bingo! Tasks delegated.
-Set up a weekly meeting time. (Just once a week for only one hour is what works for us!)
"Weekly Wedding Meeting" in our Creativity Room. Still in my pajamas at 1pm: check. Note super cool woodsy art of our 'just engaged' faces (gift from one of our lovely bridesmaids!). Kind of looks like I'm making sure he doesn't steal my tea...
At our first ‘weekly meeting’ (which we may or may not have made up a theme song to just to add an element of quirky us), I pulled out my ‘list’ on my phone where I’d been keeping track of all the ideas I managed to muster up the previous week. I needed a place to put them! This list became our ‘agenda’ of sorts. We spent one hour going down the list, filling each other in on ideas and contact updates. All was going smoothly with my updates, mainly because I’m extremely over prepared for most meetings.
Then...we got to the section of the ‘agenda’ that read “DJ Updates”. I was so nervous to ask Alex what his updates were, but to my surprise, he had created an awesome Google Doc with updates, showed me some videos of his favorite DJ options, and then initiated discussion about what next steps he would take. I was SO pumped at this point. An hour had passed, and I wasn’t sure when he would take the next steps in contacting the DJ we decided to go with (I’d been asking him to do this for a few months at this point...he confirmed this). Two days later, he not only got in touch with the production company, but he had an awesome phone call with the DJ himself, FaceTimed with my parents to make sure that they approved before we officially booked, AND booked the DJ. First wedding meeting, and two days later...DJ booked. Why did we not think of this sooner!?!
I have noticed a new excitement in his approach to wedding planning, and I had MUCH more fun having a conversation with him when he gave his attention to my enthusiasm and ideas. I also recognize that it will most likely be important to up the weekly meetings once we get into the final month of planning, but I’m going to try to not even think about that quite yet (even though I probably am thinking about it right now)! This new approach has really helped me just put some thoughts on hold until they are necessary...this is a very challenging skill for anxious people! However, I know it will benefit both of us if I acknowledge a thought and then maybe just send it away until it needs to be addressed on the ‘weekly wedding meeting’ agenda.
We don't spend the whole meeting staring at each other with googley-love-eyes, but the smiles say a lot here.
When it comes to wedding planning, I think that many people are afraid to claim how stressful it really is because of how joyful it is presented to us everywhere else (wedding magazines, Instagram, Facebook). I have tried my best to embrace the mantra of “remembering what the day is all about”, but that message only goes so far! There are some communication skills that can be used here to make a stressful event planning experience into something much more meaningful, shared, and memorable.
I think this communication skill could really be used for any big moment or stressor in your life: work, transitions, kiddos, cars, packing, lost socks...It can wait, and reminding yourself to pause, breathe, write it down, or talk it out at a time that’s good for both of you is so important. Giving each other that brain space is what might create more joyful moments in a partnership and this very special time in your life.
We would love to hear what is working or has worked for you to make this wedding planning process run smoothly! Feel free to send us a message to jenandalex@lakelovephoto.com. We hope to share your ideas with our current and future clients!
Lake Love,
Jen Walts